There are weeks when I feel sorry for myself. It’s not that I have a bad life. I have a good life and I am blessed to live the life I live and to be born into the family I am in. I am grateful. As you know, life has its moments. Perhaps it’s rejection or heartbreak or anxiety. The times in life where it feels like every door won’t open for you and you feel locked out; left out. No matter how hard you work, in those moments you don’t feel good enough. You cycle in and out of gratitude because you’re feeling sorry for yourself. A silly feeling when you think about it but a true feeling felt by everyone.
It’s the “Am I good enough” question that seems to follow all of us throughout our lives. Even when we have accomplished great things, we made it to the top of the mountain; looking at the view. There is it, do I deserve to be here? I am worthy of this? As you climb that mountain, as you navigate your way through your pursuit and that loneliness wraps around you like a blanket. It’s easy to feel a little sorry for yourself. Even without reason or without cause.
Them against me belief becomes very real when you’re the only one who believes. Believes that you can make your dreams come true, live that purpose that God whispered to you long ago. It’s a melody that you will never forget and it rings throughout your entire being forcing you to take action. What you didn’t know when you ventured out onto this dream is that there would be those low moments. That battle within where you would be riddled with insecurity and anxiety. All the broken pieces that you swept away have somehow returned and piled up within your being. Making you question everything and feeling sorry for yourself.
Perhaps it’s the countless rejection letters or the feedback that isn’t aimed at making you feel better or better. Maybe you’ve been told that your story isn’t unique or you don’t have one at all. Which is odd because we all have a story, don’t we? It might be that person who seems to think they know it all, but let’s be honest all of us know nothing at all. Who tells you what isn’t good about you, generally the things you can’t fix and definitely shouldn’t. Who tells you that you don’t deserve things when the universe says you can have it all. So there it is again feeling sorry for yourself because only you can be you and if this person doesn’t think it’s good enough, I am good enough, then what do I do?
The truth is we will never be able to evade the feeling of feeling sorry for ourselves as there is always something or someone there in life to remind you of your shortcomings. Whether it be talent, beauty, wealth or health. The beauty in knowing this is understanding that feeling good enough and believing in yourself is a choice. It’s a daily exercise that we can’t decide to do when the day is over or at 5 PM each day. It starts the moment we wake up and end the day, when we lay our heads on our pillow and exists even while we dream.
There are so many things that will happen, even the smallest things that will push you back to that place of sorrow where you don’t feel good enough; feeling sorry for yourself. The stretch marks on your hips or the freckles on your face. Too tall, too short, too this, too that. No like everyone, or them, the in-crowd. Trying to fit in, but you know you never will. What a price to pay just to be like them, chill with them.
You feel sorry for being different although you know it doesn’t make sense that you do. There’s nothing wrong with you, they’re just not like you and this is okay. It’s this cycle of being desired and discarded all at the same time. For some reason, you find your thoughts drifting to the things, spaces and people who don’t fit rather than the ones that do. You have to admit, you’re a little addicted to your sorrow, it makes you feel safe. Although joy is a beautiful space it can be lonely with not many people to share it with. So you feel sorry for not celebrating every moment and also sorry for not being accepted. It’s time for you to make a choice.
Choose joy over sorrow, even if it’s you celebrating alone. Choose gratitude because you know there are things for you to be thankful for. Be grateful for the ones that believed in you whether it is one or one thousand souls. Bring them with you as you reach each mountain top and leave behind the ones who didn’t believe what you have been striving for. For it’s you alone I want you to know that you deserve what you’ve been working for. You deserve to be here. If you feel a little lonely listen to the melody that was whispered to you long ago, the one that guides and reminds you what you must keep on fighting for.
