Sex and the City Myths & Lessons: Terrified Of Commitment

Oh, Carrie, that’s what I thought to myself while I watched Sex and the City on Friday. Why can’t she just get it together, why can’t we all just get it together?! It seems nothing worth having will ever come easy. Or maybe, we make simple things complicated for no reason? Alas, love in and of itself is simple. We are what’s complicated. We all live in our own complicated life and in the midst of all of this, we have to make room for love. Although it’s something we need and definitely yearn for it isn’t always easy to make space for it when our hearts are full of fear. When we have too many wants and desires, sometimes the whole idea of a relationship, love it just seems like it will get in the way and further complicate our already complex lives.

In this episode, BIG tells Carrie he is moving to Paris for a year to work. Yes, BIG is always leaving. Carrie decides she is going to visit him and move there if necessary. He tells her not to move to Paris for him. Carrie is furious with him and then realizes that she is being a sadist and that she can’t blame him for her staying with him although it caused her so much pain. She keeps going back to BIG knowing that at some point he would break her heart. At some point, he would disappoint her or leave her again. As sweet as it was it was also a cutting and bitter love affair that she just couldn’t emotionally escape. I am sure you have heard this iconic quote from Sex and the City “It wasn’t logic, it was love”. This pretty much sums up Carrie and BIG and why in the end, and through all the relationships, engagements, marriages and divorces they end up together.

 


“Tied myself to a man who was terrified to be tied down”. – Carrie 

 

Back in Carrie’s day commitment wasn’t an easy thing living in New York a city that ‘never sleeps’. A city full of hopeful singles looking for the someone. The internet was still new and meeting someone online meant cruising chat rooms secretly because this type of communication was a little bit seedy, therefore not an activity you wanted anyone to know you engaged in. Things have definitely progressed and there’s no shame in the online/app dating game. We have literally increased our dating pool and at the same time made it a lot more complicated. Commitment can be quite scary. If you have been down that road before and had an awful and heartbreaking experience. You may approach commitment with a lot of trepidation. I am sure you have asked, “what’s the point?” I am sure the increased access to anyone and everyone makes you think dipping your hand in the candy bowl and taking a handful rather than picking just one is a lot more appealing. Why is it then, that studies are now showing that people are lonelier?  We have become the loneliest ‘connected’ people than we have ever been in decades. We are slowly losing our ability to connect face to face. At the same token, one can say thank goodness for the internet and phones because now we can see what’s going on in the world in real-time and voice our opinions and come together as a global community. In this regard, I think it’s a good thing.

 

Perhaps, if we changed the way we looked at commitment, it wouldn’t terrify us so much. We are living in a different time. Marriage is a want more so than a necessity. For most of us, the choice is yours. I do believe that love is a need whether you choose to be married, in a relationship or single. We all need love, from ourselves and each other. This is why I feel no matter how complicated or busy our lives may be, we should always make room for love. Not painful complicated love, but the good stuff that makes you want to give more love and go out in the world and do something amazing. Healthy love, honest love, love without conditions and restrictions — we need this. Finding a like minded being to walk through life with is a beautiful thing. To grow as individuals and to come together as one and grow together. Commitment is not just a matter of committing to someone. Real love has no ownership. Commitment is committing to a journey with someone where you get to experience life through each other’s eyes, experience life together and learn from each other. Commitment is not jail. You are not trapped nor should you feel trapped. If so, perhaps you are in the wrong union?

Maybe you have the same issue as Carrie “the exquisite pain of wanting something so unattainable”. You constantly find yourself with people who don’t want to commit. Maybe there is a part of you that’s scared of commitment as well which is why you have attached yourself to individuals who keep you at arm’s length. I know it’s a lot more confusing now. We have traded ‘hanging out’ with dating. What happened to a good o’l fashioned date? I love Netflix, don’t get me wrong but really?! This is how you are getting to know someone? Don’t you want to see life and experience life with someone? You can Netflix and chill when you get home from your adventure. But please, go out into the world and experience it. Hold hands in the park, go to the movies, sit at a cafe and get lost in conversation, go to the market, travel abroad create something with someone, dream with them, live. Commit to this.

 

When You Grow Up

Just know that one day when you grow up the abundance in the candy store won’t phase you anymore because you know what you like and are more than happy with choosing just one. Eating the whole cake makes you sick so one slice is enough. More than enough will be just that, more than enough. Commitment won’t just be wrapped around committing to someone but rather committing to yourself. Committing to living the best life possible and doing what’s needed to achieve this. You will realize all this fear you created won’t even come close to the fear of being alone, something we don’t see when we are young but will know quite well when we are older.

When you commit to yourself, with your whole heart. You will come to understand part of that commitment is allowing yourself to share space with another being. That a commitment to self is further enhanced when you meet that right person who is just as committed to their well-being and growth. We are not meant to roam this world alone. This is a choice. You are free to make the choices that best suit you. Sometimes I think the problem is that we date too much. We put more effort into putting ourselves out there rather than putting that effort into our own evolution. Putting ourselves back together. So when we finally meet that person to build a shared commitment with we bring our whole selves rather than fragments that are composed of heartbreak, disillusionment, pessimism and simply old experiences we cannot change but we choose to carry with us anyway.  It’s true, that all those experiences in love, the ones that broke us and made us ask why? are meant to make us strong and wise. So let them do just that. This wisdom shouldn’t make you run away from your present moment but instead, run to it with open arms.

If you are terrified of commitment look within rather than point blame towards others. What are you so afraid of? If you are committed to yourself, you will know that adding another being into your life will compliment what’s already happening. Perhaps it’s not someone else you fear, perhaps it’s yourself and your inability to commit to you.

 

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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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