Why You Shouldn’t Chase Love

The other day I stumbled upon an article about an entrepreneur who said that she realized after a long relationship when she became single for the first time in years, tested the online dating world, even tested her swiping skills via Tinder that the quest for finding a partner was a waste of valuable time. She didn’t see the value in spending her time swiping the day away and meeting potential suitors who in most cases weren’t looking for anything serious other than a good time. She also witnessed her friends go through the rollercoaster of modern dating, putting in so much effort to get someone just to love them. It’s not fun nor it is good for one’s emotional well-being at times. She concluded that this new virtual dating standard is tiring and time-consuming. I am sure you can agree. From her experience and many others, it seems that no one really wants to put in “real time”. She decided to shift her focus and started to pursue her dreams and interests and out of this, she met people, some potential suitors and others, new friends.

Of course, this got me thinking…I came to the conclusion that we are doing it all wrong. Love yes, it’s a beautiful thing and everyone wants to meet the one to spend their life with. Sometimes love lasts forever and sometimes it’s just a moment in time. You can love only one or you may get the blessing of experiencing love many times during your lifetime. It’s this whole idea of searching for it and chasing it, it doesn’t make any sense if you really think about it. Love happens, we can create a loving setting, a loving relationship, a loving life but it’s not something you can force therefore chasing it doesn’t make any sense. I also don’t think it should be your only goal, seeking the love of another. I think it’s important to live what you desire and this should encompass your entire life. If it’s love, then you should be love. Love will attract love, it’s that simple.

I guess this goes against the whole online dating or dating via app idea but if I am honest with you… I am okay with that stuff and I think it’s great if it’s something you use when you are looking for a potential partner but actively looking also means being aware, being present. I don’t think that we should be painstakingly spending our days and creative mental space looking for someone to love us. Nor do I think anyone should spend hours agonizing over any online dating platform looking for “the one”.


When you travel, even if it’s just within your country, state or province, there’s something that opens up your mind and makes you realize that there’s so much you are missing in life. Love is everywhere and it will find you if you are love and you need to be the love that you seek and when you are, you will find that person. For example, a week ago while I was exploring Nashville, the energy is amazing, I felt love and being in that constant state of self- love before I left but I really felt love while in Nashville, I really felt like I was in that state of being love and it’s quite freeing. Sometimes, you need to step away from your every day to get back to you. Sometimes a change of scenery is what’s needed to recognize the things you need to value or the parts of your life you have neglected, particularly where self-care is concerned.

I thought about it, well wow here I am in Nashville meeting amazing people and really loving it and they are doing things they love to do. It’s like yeah, be love through what you enjoy, be love through making new friends and saying hello to a stranger and wishing them a good day. All the things that you can be in this world, all the things that you can see you will miss it if spend your whole life chasing what A, starts with you and B, happens and cannot be forced or manipulated into existence. That person, the one that’s right for you, will be the love that they seek and together you are love. There’s nothing worse than trying to convince someone who’s not in that space, where they want to be love and give love, to express or show their love to you. We hold onto these relationships (even friendships) in hopes that one day. It’s great to have hope but I don’t think we should put all of that in the hands of one person.

The longing and searching should take place within first. I know it’s cliche but it’s so true. Since we are energy, if one can’t manifest love on their own, with yourself and be love then how can you really experience the true essence of love? So that’s why I think you shouldn’t search for love. You should let it come to you (and it will at the right time) and this doesn’t mean sit on your ass either, I am not saying be lazy and it will fall on your lap. It’s like working for your dreams, you work for the things you want in life, so you have to put in the effort obviously if the real thing comes knocking on your door.

But an aimless tiring and painful quest for love is not what it’s all about in my opinion. I have seen the misery on people’s faces when things don’t go right or what they wanted (who they thought they wanted) doesn’t go as planned. Love isn’t planned, it happens then we continue to create an environment that nourishes it. I think about all the great possibilities that people are missing when they don’t pursue their passions as diligently as they do love. All that mind space that could be used to find your purpose or live your purpose or make a difference in someone’s life. Unfortunately, maybe we watch too many fairytales and I love a good fairytale and I think life should be magical. But this isn’t always the case and love is not as clear cut as Cinderella or Sleeping-Beauty or Rapunzel. Not everyone is going to have that kind of person come into their life. Or maybe you will but if you follow any of the above tales the commonality is that love just happened. Not everyone is going to have a fairytale worthy love story, your love is going to look different from anyone else’s.

If love is what you seek, you need to be that love that you seek and you need to emanate it. You know the story of two people who come together who aren’t the love they seek, they don’t like themselves, they don’t feel good enough. They seek the love in someone else, that they themselves must cultivate first. You can’t skip this step and I am sure those who have figured it out, the secret to a long lasting loving relationship, will let you in on. I think this is why a lot of relationships suffer and I think this generation, more so than your grandparents or parents generation, will struggle through. We live in a very surface-based world where looks and surface-level connections fill most of our days. It’s sometimes hard to get real with ourselves without the filter. Who do you see when you look the mirror? Therefore, it’s hard to realize that self-love is missing because it’s supplemented with virtual likes by strangers. It’s even harder to get to the nitty gritty raw feelings of loving someone because there’s always a guard up, a protective shield that’s designed to make imperfect beings look perfect, which we are not!

Of course, I am not against finding your partner in love crime and I hope that you meet a companion to join you on this ride of a life. Yes, the cliche that all we do need is love, in the end, is TRUE  and we need to recognize this, it’s not greed, it’s not material things, it’s having people you love and memories and experiences. This is why I encourage you to leave your comfort zone, step outside of your backyard, explore and travel so you can gain a new world view and get a deeper glimpse into that loving being that’s within you waiting for you to recognize how amazing you are. Getting lost in the world traveling and feeling that wanderlust. It’s so lustful and blissful to learn new things and to see life beyond yourself and then see yourself and realize what you need to fix and what’s beautiful about you. What would you like to do in this lifetime?

 

Why Do I think You Shouldn’t Search For Love?

I just don’t think you should search for love, you should be love and be open to it and obviously put in the effort when you meet someone and you feel that it’s right, you put in the effort, it’s not going to feel like seeking. It’s going to feel effortless, there’s an effort that is effortless. If that makes sense…you are putting in the time but you are not losing your mind. Loving someone shouldn’t make you lose your mind or make you insane or depressed or feel like you are not good enough. That’s not the kind of love you want. I feel like if that’s what you are seeking and if you are on that quest to get that person, that partnership and it’s leaving you sad and just miserable. Perhaps, you need to slow down. Take a step back and try to figure out why you have convinced yourself that something that’s meant to nourish you is basically destroying you.

If you are spending a good portion of your time (you know who you are) trying to get someone to love you, chasing love, you don’t really love yourself. I will say it again, it’s an effort that’s effortless because if the one your heart desires is on the same wavelength as you if their heart is open, there won’t be any resistance. They are going to really want to be with you and you don’t have to lose your mind or do half the crazy shit we all do. Let me tell you something I am all for gallant gestures and being crazy in love if this is what that person’s love inspires you to do, to be crazy in a beautiful way and do beautiful things because this is good and it means that you are in a true state of love.

If it’s crazed where you are losing your mind, losing friends and distancing yourself from family just to be in love with someone I don’t think it’s real love and I think you are wasting a lot of good space in your life, creative space, purpose space, God space, spiritual space, to be the best human being you can be and maybe discover talents, new possibilities that life can offer you.

 

Chase Loving Yourself

I say if you chase anything, chase being in love with yourself and not in a selfish sense, I hope you know good love is kind love, it’s giving love.  Chase giving love to others with an open heart without conditions and chase being the best person you can be. This means you will have to get rid of the bullshitter in you, in all of us that gets in the way. Don’t bullshit your way through love and don’t bullshit other people. You aren’t in a loving state when you manipulate people or you don’t treat them well or when you take advantage of a kind heart.

What I will say to the person that’s being taken advantage of is that you need to be love, you can’t let people treat you that way, if you want these things in your life, love, you have to give it to yourself first, in however way you do it, you need to find fulfillment and things you enjoy because life is long hopefully for all of us.  There are a number of things you miss out on when you spend all your precious time crying and pining about someone who isn’t thinking about you, paying attention to you.

We waste time when we stay in unhappy relationships and we reason because of this, because of that, this is why I am here, even if it doesn’t feel right. It’s like wow, are you going to look back on your life, let’s say you make it to 100 and say “ah man it’s a good thing I stayed in that”, in some cases, yes, but in many NO. A lot of people who have been in these relationships that were not in the realm of being love, self-love will tell you “man I just want to smack myself and say there is another life, there is more life to live you are not stuck here, you aren’t stuck”.

It’s okay to let go of people and it’s okay to accept that something didn’t work out. Rip off the bandaid and move on. Great things will happen for you, if you are open and if you work on cultivating every single day of your life, probably one of your biggest quests – being love. If you become a parent you need to be that example of love so that your children understand that you love yourself. Never negate the importance of loving yourself, appreciating yourself, taking care of yourself, your mind, your body, being healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. This is why we need to stop chasing love and I think this will change a lot of things, I think people will stop the feeling like they need to seek approval all the time because they approve of themselves. Who cares, if that person doesn’t think you are good enough or they don’t want to be friends with you. That’s their problem, it’s not yours.

That dream life or that person you are looking for may not be what you are currently running towards. Maybe there’s a different dream life waiting for you, you just need to open your mind, let go, and really let love live. You will only get the opportunity to experience the true essence of love if you stop chasing what you cannot see but only feel. If you live your life with full intentions and cherish your dreams and passions. If you work on loving you every day, with the desire to be the best for yourself and then extend this love towards others. You won’t feel like you are running anymore because that person who is on that same self-loving journey as you will have their arms open to receive you. You will only understand this when you stop running like there’s no end in sight. Don’t confuse this with putting in the required effort to make a relationship flourish. Put in the work, no one wants a lazy lover (true story) and do those beautiful things to keep the flame burning between you and your partner. It’s gratifying to show you care when you are with the right person. Nothing beats celebrating life with the one’s you love.

 

 

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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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