Love and Attraction, What’s It All About?

I have always wondered if there is any truth to this. These laws of attraction that bind us to one person over another. There are times when I thought the laws were a mess because they weren’t working in my favour. I am sure you have felt the same way. I am sure you have asked the universe: What the hell is going on here?! Sometimes dating is such an emotional mess. Seriously, what a mess! Whether there is a formula or a law, what I will say is that attraction, what attracts one to someone is a complex thing, not even science can decode.

I can think of all the reasons I liked someone a few years ago. Many of those reasons felt valid at the time. During that time I believed that some hidden force had conspired for us to be; me and a once significant other. I still believe that we are meant to meet certain people. Some people come into our lives and stay for a lifetime and others are there for a season where growth takes place and lessons are learned. I also think of how far gone you can be when you want to believe something exists when in reality it doesn’t. That the person you desire is the one for you. Sometimes, it’s not meant to last forever. Like most people, I had a list (I don’t have one anymore). A list that was based on surface levels things I held onto. When I say surface level, I don’t mean material things. It never occurred to me that one day I would have to rely on how it feels and that a list was hindering better possibilities. The way you feel about someone, the feeling that touches you to the core, a feeling that goes beyond reason. This feeling will eclipse your conclusions and the ridiculous idea of this perfect person you have constructed in your mind.

How you feel should overpower a lot of the silly requirements on your list. A good relationship is more than a list and finding the right person isn’t that simple. In fact, sometimes it’s the list that leads you to the wrong person. It’s easy to ignore the red flags when someone looks good on paper. It’s easy to ignore that feeling you get in your gut that says something isn’t right. There are a lot of great qualities a person may have that may not be on your current list.  Many people stay in toxic relationships because it suits their required criteria even though it’s like a union between oil and water. Further, although it doesn’t feel great to be with this person they decided to stay because rationally it makes sense. You have to trust your instincts. Your instincts are very important when it comes to selecting the right partner. If it doesn’t feel right in the beginning, it never will.


There will come a day, when you will no longer want to feel weighed down by unhealthy relationships, this includes friendships. Or off balance I should say. There will come a day when matters of the heart will require alignment between your heart and mind. If it doesn’t feel right, you must let go. As you know, I am a strong believer in finding happiness on your own first before you add someone else into the equation. I also recognize that there are a lot of people in relationships that leave them feeling sick ( unhealthy relationships can make you physically ill) and insecure but they have reasoned they have no other alternative but to stay. No matter how good it looks on paper; who cares if everyone else would die to be with them (your partner). Don’t rationalize unhappiness. It’s just not working out for you and you can’t ignore the negative feelings this current union comes with. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault or their fault. What doesn’t work for you may work quite well for someone else. You need to accept this.

The laws of attraction can’t be written down. It’s hard to describe that all knowing feeling. But you just know, when you know and this is all you will ever need to know. I wish it was simple. I wish I could give you a list and say here, this will help you understand the laws of love and attraction. Unfortunately, I don’t have one and to be honest everyone’s path in love will be different. What I do know, is that if you want something that lasts you have to dig deep, feel all those feelings and most importantly keep it REAL. The only person you ever fool is yourself, so don’t focus on what other people think or compare your love to their love.

I think if there is one law we should subscribe to, it is to trust your instincts. There is something to be said about the power of your instincts. When reason doesn’t make sense, look deep; seriously. I hear so many people complain about their partners. Complaining about the love they thought they had but in actuality, it was an illusion they created in their mind. I listen to these stories and lately I have taken them in like a sponge. Perhaps, I see myself in them. I see how lost I once was, caught up in an idea I had or some theory I read in a book of what constitutes the perfect mate and what to look for. But then, I think to myself. Oh, wait, real life also involves making sense of how things feel. Life, particularly love isn’t a simple math equation. You can’t draw it on a diagram. Alas, finding the right person starts with you. Are you the right person for yourself? Are you happy? Are you working towards your purpose? Are you happy in love with you? We cannot seek in others what we can’t harness on our own. We attract where we are in life, whether we want to believe it or not. Bad choices in love are a reflection of where you currently are on your personal journey.

I am sure those who have been married for many years will tell you that there are so many reasons that they were able to hold it all together and still feel love, respect and compassion for their partner after 25 years. By no means do I think any relationship is perfect but I do think that if you are in a relationship that’s unhealthy, a relationship that prevents growth, or one that leaves you feeling constantly uneasy (off balance), this is not a good fit. Listen to your body, what’s it trying to tell you? Don’t ignore these important cues, that something isn’t quite right.  Sure couples squabble, life would be dull living with someone who thought the exact same way as you did and didn’t teach you new things. But at the core of it all, how you feel when all of this is happening, life together, is what will determine how long you will emotionally check-in. Simply put, you aren’t going to stay friends with someone who makes you feel like shit all the time, so this rule should apply when you are in a relationship.

 

 

 

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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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