Sex and the City Myths & Lessons: Do You Prefer The Chase?

In this episode Carries notices that her life is unusually in order since she and Aiden parted ways. Even her bills are paid. If you know Carrie, this isn’t the norm. As we know, Carrie likes shoes, as result, her bills are often unpaid due to too much spending. She finds herself waking up in the middle of the night thinking about Aiden. Thinking about her life. What was so wrong with Aiden?  Carrie says “I was searching for hidden icebergs”, she was always looking for hidden traits about Aiden she wouldn’t like. Now that she and Aiden are no longer together she wanted to know what was so wrong with him? Why couldn’t she make it work? Her relationship with Aiden was perfect. Perhaps, too perfect. Just like Carrie, this got me thinking…I thought about myself, I thought about my observations of others. I thought about really good relationships versus the not so good ones. I thought about conversations with friends concerning matters of the heart. One thing that really stood out in most conversations is the struggle. It seemed most conversations were about the negatives and not the positives of dating/relationships/marriage. Either everyone is settling and accepting unhappy relationships or we would rather talk about the bad stuff instead of the good stuff. It also demonstrates that we are never satisfied when we are in a good drama free relationship. There’s this illusive self-imposed feeling or an idea we create that…” something is missing” is it the drama? Is it the struggle? Do we favor instability over stability? Will there be a time when we understand that boredom is bliss?

I have heard many people say this before, “I get bored easily”. I will tell you, boredom is amazing. If you live a really good life and there’s a bit of structure, you’re in a good partnership that’s loving and balanced, you are healthy, you have a good job that you love, seriously life is pretty darn good for you. And you’re bored?! Don’t say you’re bored, no, that’s coming from an insecure space within you. It’s the time when things are really good in your life, this is when you really have to rise to the occasion to keep it going that way. Guess what? There’s a possibility that this so-called bored state may unearth some things you may not like about yourself, including the one you’re with. It’s also true that when life appears still, this is when you get to do some much needed internal self-work. When there’s is silence, we hear ourselves. When it’s just calm, with no storm on the horizon to prepare for, we are forced to live in the moment and discover things waiting to come to the surface. This is scary. Chaos masks this, hence why we love it.  What’s the common solution? Add something/someone (temporary) interesting to spice up your life. The truth is, you fill this void with something else to stay away from all the things that scare you, mainly yourself and perhaps the impermanence of life. The idea that something good is happening or that our lives have taken on this flow without any drama can be an uncomfortable feeling, but this is good. It’s not boredom it’s life giving the good, the balance that you have sought and you deserve. Boredom isn’t it. It’s insecurity, it’s fear of true vulnerability. Which is why in my opinion we live and love the chaos. The chaos is our greatest cover up and it’s our best explanation. A lot of the time it’s not about anyone else but you and a deep rooted belief of not being enough, therefore, there’s no way you deserve a good thing consistently or a good life. In time, when you are wiser, you will begin to realize that a solid good foundation, a solidly connected relationship is exciting and the challenge in chaotic partnerships isn’t for you. The many challenges in a chaotic life, you have put yourself in is something you would like to leave behind in favour for the bliss that happens with boredom. I am not saying don’t live an exciting life. Travel, see the world, try new things, challenge yourself. I think you know the difference.

 


Do We Prefer The Chase?

I am not one for chasing but I know many people who do. They love what’s unattainable and will spend months even years in emotional turmoil for what doesn’t want them. They will sabotage a good thing, that’s good, that they wanted, that’s right there in front of them. I could give you so many reasons as to why? I am sure they will give you many reasons. If you really listen to what’s being said what you will hear is that I am insecure, I am scared of being vulnerable, I don’t know if I am good enough. It doesn’t really matter who you’re with. No one will be able to sort out this feeling that everyone feels but you. It’s something as human beings, we all have to recognize in order to work on it, in order to move forward from the things that don’t serve us well in this life. The choices that keep us feeling emotionally isolated and afraid. We are locked in, it’s a gated community, by our fears. The only person who has the key is you. I believe we should work hard for the things we want in life. I think we all understand this. Some call it chasing the dream. I would say no, become the dream by doing what is needed to attain it. It’s not a race. At the right time, things will fall in place for you. Just do the work. Relationships require work as well. I assume that your desire to be with this person will overshadow that fact that effort is required on your part. Good things happen but they don’t just manifest out of nowhere. Unless you think dating is like the lottery. You play and win, no in-between that’s it; it’s not.

 

Carrie asks “do we need drama to make a relationship work?” We definitely don’t need it, but we want it. That doesn’t mean you should pick a partner who doesn’t challenge you to be a better person. A person who inspires you. Obviously. But you don’t need the drama, you don’t need the fights and you certainly shouldn’t create any of it. Yes, disagreements will happen, this is inevitable. But don’t look for problems that aren’t there and don’t masterfully create them. Of course, I am not telling you to sign up for a stagnant partnership either where no movement occurs. Don’t settle. While you work on having the best partnership I hope you are also working on yourself. Doing things that bring you joy. We have happy relationships when we are happy. You can’t expect other people to make you feel something that you can’t feel on your own. Happiness, love will always start with you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the person. Sometimes it has to do with you and you finding the right fit, the right person for you. The right person that you can dynamically growth with.

 

We don’t believe good things can happen to us…

It’s that simple. For some, maybe all of us, we don’t believe it’s good unless it difficult. Maybe, we buy into movies too much. So many great love stories depicted spur out of hardship, turbulence, and anger. In the movies, everyone is fixing everyone and this is what love is all about. But is it? Sure, no one is perfect. We all have our issues. We need to be there for each other with love and compassion. But the idea that you have to live through a bad thing to have a good thing is silly. That’s not to say you should give up when things aren’t easy or necessarily give up on people. I just don’t think, anyone should believe that you have to love the chaos when you can walk away from it. Certain things can’t be fixed. Accept it. I also think that we need to embrace good things when they happen and know that we deserve them.

Don’t chase, work. If it’s worth it, then put in the time. If you are enjoying yourself it won’t seem like work. In Carrie’s case, Aiden wasn’t into the struggle, he was willing to put in the work to make it work because for him it was worth it. Aiden reminds Carrie of this when he says “I have a life, I am just making room for you in it”. In the end, Aiden wasn’t the right fit for Carrie, not because there was something wrong with him but because her heart was with someone else. We have become so used to the struggle that when the love rope tension eases we panic. We get exactly what we want and need then decided to create or find problems that aren’t there. Before you throw good things away, make sure it’s not your fears sabotaging you. Before you create chaos in a good thing, take a second and ask yourself why? Am I making something out of nothing or does this have to do with something I need to work through with this person in order to make our bond stronger?

 

If everyone enjoyed the chase…

We wouldn’t need so many self-help and dating books. We would just accept it for what it is. I get a lot of relationship advice searches on The Things I Wish I Knew. I will tell you this, both men and women are looking for that someone who is the right fit. Some are looking for ways to keep their partner in love with them while others are still looking or confused about everything and looking for answers, looking for help. I don’t have all the answers, it just my opinion, but I don’t think I am far off when I say that no one wants to chase forever. Eventually, we all hope to find that someone we can explore this life with side by side. Until you meet them, don’t worry you will, focus on loving you as cliche as that sounds. Work (don’t chase) on the things that bring joy into your life. It’s amazing what you attract when you are good to you. It’s amazing what life brings you when you leave the chaos behind you. There’s an amazing life waiting for you, live it. When good things, good people come your way…say thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hanifa Sekandi

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