Love & Respect: Words Will Hurt You

A long time friend and I were talking the other day about past relationships. We talked about an ex of mine, she said: “I just couldn’t stand him”. She wasn’t the only friend with this view; no argument. Looking back I can clearly see what they saw instantly. You start to realize with age and gained wisdom how one can be fooled by illusions of grandeur. You know the saying “everything glitters isn’t gold”. Or “looks can be deceiving”. I was the girl who didn’t see that the guy I thought was this fantastic person would turn into the person who would emotionally terrorize me for too long. Just too long. It’s hard to see that the person that “everyone” likes (clearly not my friends) in a bad light. You make excuses for them. You often reason it has to be me.

I think it’s important for all of us to recognize what the right kind of love is. Whether you’re a man or women (yes women can be emotionally abusive as well), you need to know how to spot the red flags. Seriously, don’t make excuses for the person who is constantly tearing down your being. Picks on your looks until your confidence is nothing but ashes. You are not here, designed to please one person. You are not here on earth to reduce yourself to nothing for the love of another. Know your worth and most importantly you must recognize when the loving isn’t good. When you are in a relationship with someone whose sole goal is to pick you apart in order to control you. Maybe to make them feel better?! This isn’t love. Nor by any means is it a healthy relationship. Don’t make excuses.



I remember I would see this happen to friends of mine. Beautiful women with strength and confidence and so much potential losing their confidence because the guy they were dating constantly put them down. Their dreams became hopeless and impossible because he said so. Their beauty was nothing compared to other women because he said so. They were too thin, too fat, just not right because he said so. Never in a million years, clearly we don’t live that long! Can you imagine?! Did I think I would become the girl questioning her very existence due to the strategically placed words of another? But there I was looking in the mirror saying to myself, you know he’s right, you’re not all that great; yes you’re gross. At 100 pounds I was too fat on some days, and on other days I was too thin “Ew you look too small”.  Lest we forget the day he counted the little bumps (hives) those of us with allergies get when we have an allergic reaction. Or the day I put my hair up and he called me in a frenzy because his friend had reported that I cut my hair. He demanded, “take that picture down now”. Ps. he wasn’t even on Facebook. I think this was the first red flag. But sometimes as I said above we can be blinded by gestures of grandeur and kindness that conceal the things we need to take a good look at.

How can someone do something kind and thoughtful, then, on the other hand, say such terrible things? But what probably stuck with me even long after our separation was when he would say “think, think you are so stupid, you know you’re stupid right?!” or ” You know what your looks are fading, I should have met you sooner yup way sooner.” Or “You know what you aren’t going to end up with anybody good, probably some loser; you’re lucky”…as in lucky I was with him.  Or “you’re not going to be anything, you should just realize that okay, I am right I know these things”. I think those particular sentences were hard to erase for a while because it was said over and over. Sometimes in jest and other times, it was a serious matter that I needed to take heed to. It was never funny, you should never say things like that to anyone; EVER.



So now moving forward, today I feel like it’s my duty to help someone in a situation like this. I want whomever you are to know you’re not overly sensitive or crazy. Furthermore, you’re definitely not a loser; shut that noise out of your head. If the relationship you’re currently in is depleting you emotionally. Making you question who you are, in the worst way. Making you believe…just crap. It’s not good. That’s the TRUTH, accept it. You need to make a change for your own well-being. You are responsible for the kinds of people you allow into your life. Therefore, it’s up to you to take the steps needed to breakaway; free yourself. In the short run, perhaps it may be difficult and for some scary (some situations are worse than others obviously). In the long run, you will be better off. You deserve so much more; you’re worth it. Seriously, I don’t know you but I want you to know that you are of value. That you are as wonderful as you imagine you are and can be. Don’t ever forget this. To my beautiful friend, you know who you are…you’re perfect just the way you are. Most importantly, a lot of people love you. You’re brilliant, kind, loving; a true beam of light. Don’t ever forget this!

I look in my rearview mirror and no longer hear the voice of negativity. I look forward and I say, yes I see you and you’re going to do great things. You are amazing; beautiful. So when I see men/women in similar situations I have a hard time keeping quiet. I have a hard time turning a blind eye to the idea that someone I know will be in the throes of something quite damaging. I am haunted by the idea that this could be their life forever. To spend your days with someone who is clearly broken and hurt inside. Someone who needs to fix themselves so they don’t lash out at others. Yes, it’s true…they’re most likely hurting too. You can extend your compassion but remember it cannot be at your expense. Love shouldn’t break you. It should inspire you and enliven you.


Cover Image Courtesy Of:  Ryan McGuire

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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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