Lies Women Tell Themselves About Love

One of my favourite things to do on a Saturday afternoon is watching a chick flick on the W network. I curl up on my Victorian leopard print couch, wrap myself in a blanket, sip on a tea and snack on whatever fancies me at the time. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t seen a movie where a heartbroken girl isn’t found sitting on the couch, unbathed, gorging her sorrows away with a plate of nachos, a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, cupcakes and pizza with bottles of alcohol littered everywhere in sight all in the name of love. All in the name of love we become undone, lose ourselves, our ability to shower, brush our hair, swallow before chewing, develop food and alcohol dependencies because this is what women do when they experience a broken heart. This is what all women do not just in the movies. I have witnessed this first hand with friends and first hand with myself.

I honestly can’t blame the movies or the fairy tales entirely for this incurable epidemic, the ‘terminally broken hearted’ where the only way to alleviate symptoms is to cover them up and ease the pain with terrible behaviours and habits because why on earth should we feel pain. Why on earth should we live in reality and accept that some things just don’t turn out the way we hoped they would? Also, people that we love are capable of breaking our hearts. But it’s okay, as long as you have nachos, vino, cupcakes and a few good enabling girlfriends everything will be okay right? I have to say this is complete bullsh**t! I mean there is no way around this. It is time to get honest with ourselves and the extra five pounds of emotional indulgence you’ve just gained (you know who you are). Just because he left you or doesn’t want you, he cheated, or he did something so bad, it’s not okay treat your body like a movable dumpster.

Firstly, I want to say I am sorry. On behalf of what’s his name who doesn’t have the balls or self-awareness to tell you himself, I am sorry. You will have to accept this heartfelt apology from me, and it’s very sincere. Please take it as if it’s from him, and please hold onto it as if the words I speak are from him being channeled through me. Now once you have done that, take it in and let go. The truth is when someone breaks your heart it’s not just a matter of forgiving them, that’s an easy task, it’s about forgiving yourself. So secondly, I want to say I forgive you and I want you to forgive yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say I forgive you for all the things that I chose to see (yes we were looking at him with rose-colored glasses) and yes I forgive myself for all the things I chose not to see. I forgive myself for painting illusions of someone who never really existed. I forgive myself for now coming to terms with a reality I should have been living in the first place. This sounds odd I know, but self-forgiveness is the biggest step you will take when you step back into you and step back into a reality that won’t allow you to empty your life in a bag of Cheetos (I love the crunchy one’s personally) because someone left you or betrayed you. With that said, I also don’t want you to think I am trivializing your plight with love. I am not. I know we all have a story that could outdo and rival the broken-hearted person sitting next to us. Trust me, I know shitty things can happen when in love and matters of the heart are a serious issue. Love can indeed make you sick. Very sick. We will get to that idea later. The third thing I would like you to do is say thank you. Thank you, yes that’s right. Thank whoever it is for leaving you, revealing themselves and f___ng up royally because they just woke you the f___ up and did something profound. I know this is crazy but they have allowed you to see your confused fairy tale living self-eye to eye for the first time. The pain you are feeling in the depths of your being is opening you up and allowing you to recognize the highest form of self, your true self that’s been hiding within you. This can only happen if you let it. This true self is your best self that is going to bring you back to self-love, a new and good love. A new and honest love.

Now I have nothing against indulging from time to time. My guilty pleasure is cupcakes. I swear I would sit in a bathtub full of cake and eat my way out. I certainly wouldn’t do this as a result of feeling broken-hearted. In fact, when I am feeling jilted by love I do the complete opposite; I don’t eat. Not by choice but simply because I don’t have an appetite. I used to wish I was one of those girls who ate their feelings. Other than the extra weight gain and maybe acne, they didn’t look like hell from lack of proper care and nutrition. I have often heard my girlfriends say “oh great, heart-break weight loss – at least something good came out of this”. This is also crap and trust me you won’t look as fabulous as you think. When you are going through any type of crisis the most important thing you can do is nourish the body. I think during these times you need to force your self to eat the well, mainly food that will heal and replenish the body. Whether you prefer to inhale everything in sight or simply go on a heart-break hunger strike, you are not treating your body well. You are not treating yourself well and guess what, I bet you still feel like crap whether you are the latter or the former.

I am not sure where women come up with these things. I feel that we are all lying to ourselves and each other. So I have decided to take it upon myself to dispel this bs story; lucky for you. I have seen the other side and yes, it’s everything I could have imagined it to be, if not better. What I learned from my own love crisis and being an active listener and participant in the ‘terminally broken hearted’ epidemic is that we don’t have to fall apart when everything around us has fallen apart. We don’t have to punish ourselves and our bodies just to match our surroundings or circumstances. I think the best step anyone can do is to really feel the brunt of the pain. Let it burn, just feel it but don’t let it take over your life entirely. I feel this is the perfect time to nourish yourself from the inside out. Nourish this amazing body that takes you through life. Trust me, you will reveal a better you that has been trying to come out. A bandage doesn’t just work. Just like jumping into the arms of the next lover doesn’t work. You can’t forever cover up what NEEDS proper fixing. So fix it, come out strong, and move on.

The reason why I feel so strongly about sharing my thoughts about this. The inability for women to cope and face ‘love crisis’ head on is because I am tired of seeing the same story play over and over. I sometimes think it would do women some good to take a page out of a men’s life handbook, section: Matters of the Heart. This doesn’t mean that I think you should become closed off and cold (please don’t do this). I have witnessed men undergo their own heart-break crisis, women are jerks too in all fairness. One common thing I have noticed is that rather than sit on the couch and cry woe is me. They get back out there, back to life and doing things. One of my close male friends started a detox, started working out and became a vegetarian. He also put more focus into his goals and I have seen him accomplish all of them one by one. Yes, I am sure his heart was broken and he would think about her from time to time. What he didn’t do is let his entire world crumble before him. He wasn’t found sitting on the couch at home with a bunch of his friends rallying around him with chicken wings. He got up and kept his life moving in spite of the pain. There may have been tearful nights, no one knows about, but he didn’t allow his grief to take over all that he is and he could be. Translated by some women, this means that he is avoiding his feelings and shutting down. I feel this notion is completely wrong. You don’t have let your whole life slip away. I am also sorry to break it to you but what your feeling right now, heartbreak, can and will happen again. So what can you do about this? Nothing! You cannot control what other people do.. don’t we all wish we could?! With that said, ups and downs in love are inevitable. Therefore, for all the times you decide to make bad choices because your heart is broken or you are waiting for him to come back. Look back on your life and all the time misused and opportunities forgone and ask yourself if this is the life you imagined for yourself. Are you the person you have always wanted to be?

Now if there are gents reading this and you feel you fall into the same category when dealing with a broken heart. I think it’s important that you know that things will get better. Don’t make any crazy decisions or let your life fall apart as a result. Time is and will always be your friend. As time passes the pain will dissipate if you let go. Focus on your well-being and the dreams you would like to accomplish. Surround yourself with good people and a strong support system.




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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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