Have We Given Up On Love?

I am currently in love with James Bay. He’s an English artist that has a voice so soulful it makes you want to feel love again; to fall in love again. He has a song called “If you ever want to fall in love” where he sings about a past relationship and if his ex-girlfriend is open, he’s willing to make amends and start anew. As I listened to this song, of course, it got time thinking. Have we given up on love? I say this because I don’t see couples walking around in love anymore. It’s been a long time since I have seen a couple so in love at the bar, in the park or walking down the street, anywhere really, that they don’t care who’s around them. Even something as simple as a warm embrace and holding hands. I don’t even feel the desire for love in people. Maybe it’s just in Toronto, perhaps things are different where you live? Other than the desire for hook-ups and casual encounters, there just isn’t the presence of love.

I see people in relationships where there is an imbalance. One yearns for closeness and love while the other is just in it; it’s something to do or maybe they are getting something out of it. For some people, relationships just serve a purpose where one person takes and gets the most out of it and the other person lovingly gives unaware that they are being used, getting taken advantage of. I watched the movie HER a year ago. I watched this man fall in love with a computerized women. As beautiful as I thought the movie was, it was a little scary to think that real human connections and interactions don’t spur that kind of love. I refuse to believe this is a state we have all just decided to live with. Well, clearly, this isn’t the case because online dating is a billion dollar industry. So people must be wanting that kind of connection? I don’t judge those who online date, it’s worked for many. My concern is that we have removed ourselves from the real process and emotions of love. It shouldn’t sit neatly in a box or some online criteria. In addition, it can happen in real-time. Love, should fall imperfectly in place between two people who are open. We are so closed off that we champion our fear of love with excuses. We have become so closed off that we are always so busy; I’m just so busy. We are so closed off we think it’s okay to connect with a heart-shaped emoji rather than the sound of someone’s voice.

We hit the bars and dance the night away. We hide behind the music and intoxication only to go home and feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. A loneliness that while we are young we will be able to evade with our busy social lives and schedules. But as time goes and you just don’t find joy in the party anymore and you’ve have been there and done that. Reality will set in, that through all this, you let some amazing thing escape you. You didn’t give that amazing person a chance because it didn’t fit your timeline or you let life make you too busy to take care of your heart. Sometimes I wonder, is it because we don’t love ourselves enough to think that we deserve the love of another? Have we become so critical of ourselves that the thought of allowing someone to see our true selves keeps us from love?

The things is, I know I am not the only one thinking this. I just not afraid to say it. We have become so open about sex. We talk about it all the time. We talk about sex positions, tips and how to spice things up in the bedroom. Do you need a tip? Well, there are a lot of articles online that have this covered. We encourage everything to do with casual hook-ups and the fleeting satisfaction one will ultimately get out of them. But we don’t encourage openness and the great joys that can come out of a union between people. We glamorize messy break-ups or turbulent relationships as if saying that this is what love between people should look like, messy and complicated. We don’t champion that good and we fear sharing when we are in something good as if we are afraid some unseen force will steal it from us. Yet, when we get real about things; real about life. We all know that the root of what makes us thrive, it lies deep within us. It is love.

I know we all have a story and past. A relationship that may have made you a little bitter and fearful. But don’t use that as your excuse. It should be your lesson and ignite a desire in you to experience the goodness in love that is possible. Some experiences, yes the bad ones, are there to just open us up to different parts of ourselves. Remember you are an ever-changing being that is designed to grow and improve. Once you can see this, and reflect on that experience, not with contempt but gratitude. It allows you to become open to something new and at the same token a little wiser and emotionally aware. The more you understand yourself, get in tune with your emotions and desires it’s easier to navigate the complex beautiful terrain of love. Whatever you take from your past, I would say take what has made you wise, what has made you want to improve. Prove to yourself that you are worthy and capable of being in a healthy relationship. Let those experiences let you see yourself in order to know thy self better. Get to know you better because this will help you love better. This will help you recognize that there’s something really good about love. It’s not just some fable that may have existed in the past or something only your parents will experience. Love is a winding road, it’s a process that will grow if you plant the seed and tend to it.

One of my favourite things to do is to spend time with couples who have been together for many years. I take in the lessons and wisdom they impart. I am a sponge to this kind of pure goodness. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic? Or maybe I am just being as one should. Trying to get to that place that keeps you grounded when the world is spinning out of control. That constant that is needed to get up and fight through all that comes with life. I am certain that the root of what we need as people, is love. I believe that the more we move away from this, the more distant we will become from our true selves and purpose. You often hear musicians say they wrote that hit song about someone who broke their heart or someone they deeply love. No matter where you are in the world, what’s happening in your life. You can connect to the message of love in a song. More proof that love, it’s desired everywhere, it’s needed everywhere; it’s the most universal feeling we will share as humankind.

So my hope is that we don’t lose sight of this. We slow down and un-busy ourselves from ourselves. We give our souls what they need and we share it. Not all the money or success in the world will ever replace this essential need.



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Hanifa Sekandi

Founder & Editor-in-Chief Follow Me on Instagram @thethingsiwishiknew

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