We recently sat down with Dan Bacon, a dating expert, helping men around the world with their dating and relationship woes. Believe it or not, a lot of men seek out Bacon’s help in order to work through the roadblocks that are preventing them from having a successful relationship. It’s not easy trying to navigate matters of the heart in a modern world. I know I can’t speak from a guys perspective so I thought I should go to an expert to answer some of your questions. We covered quite a few areas so please check back for our 4 PART Q & A. Trust me, it’s really great and informative advice. I learned a lot as well. One thing I will say is that men and women have one thing in common, we all carry a bit of insecurity when it comes to being vulnerable. We’re all a little scared and nobody wants to be rejected.
We all struggle with confidence. In some areas of your life things come easy and you don’t feel the need to question yourself. When it comes to love, we often question our self-worth and whether or not we are good enough. Not just good enough to find and sustain love, but good enough for the person we desire. In part one, Dan and I discuss confidence and the its’ importance when looking for a mate.
TTWIK: How did you decide to become a dating a coach? What past experiences have led you to this path, helping men find love?
DAN: I didn’t set out in life to become a dating and relationship coach, but based on what happened to me, it became my duty to do so.
I had been broken up with by a girlfriend for becoming too insecure and not being enough of a man for her and that caused me to lose a lot of confidence in myself around women.
For many years, I couldn’t get myself a girlfriend because women were turned off by my self-doubt and lack of confidence around them. I would talk to women and the conversations felt boring, awkward and forced because I didn’t know how to create a spark and instead stuck to safe, polite conversation most of the time.
Women saw me as a nice guy and were open to talking to me, but there just wasn’t any spark there, so the conversations would never go anywhere. If I asked women out, they would say things like, “I think you’re a nice guy, but I’m just not looking for a boyfriend, sorry.”
Eventually, I decided that I was going to do whatever it takes to fix this area of my life and work out what women actually wanted in a guy and how I could be that guy.
By going out and approaching women in bars and nightclubs, I eventually worked out how to create a spark between myself and a woman, keep conversations fun and interesting and then get a phone number, kiss or more on the first night.
Soon enough, I was living the “bachelor lifestyle” and all the attention, love and interest from women really helped me to become more confident in myself and what I have to offer to women.
After about a year and half of enjoying the lifestyle, I decided to write down everything that I’d learnt and it became the book that I still sell at The Modern Man to this day. Many guys refer to it is their instruction manual for success with women.
TTIWIK: What’s one thing women don’t know about men when it comes to dating?
DAN: Women are very intelligent and savvy when it comes to men, so I doubt that I will be able to reveal something that they don’t already know. However, I will share a secret that men rarely admit to women.
The truth is, the majority of men are willing to have sex with a woman and don’t really care about what her personality is like, what she does for a living, what brand of shoes she wears or what she is interested in about life.
Only a small percentage of men have real standards that they stick by when it comes to women. These men will reject sexual advances or romantic interest from women based on the woman’s personality, attitude, fashion sense and other factors that have nothing to do with her appearance.
Yet, those men are rare. The majority of guys are much easier to sleep with for a woman than she might realize.
When asked in person by women, men who are willing to have sex with a woman simply based on how she looks, will often tell a white lie and say that they value a woman’s personality, intelligence, morals and values the most.
However, if you place that guy in a bar or nightclub, he will instantly decide who he would have sex with simply based on the woman’s physical appearance.
As long as she is interested in having sex with him, it won’t matter what she says or does, what she does for a living, what she thinks about life, etc. because he will still be interested in having sex with her simply based on how she looks.
Why do men behave in that way? The majority of guys have no idea how to make women feel attracted to them during a conversation and simply hope to get lucky for being nice or showing themselves to be a good guy.
By taking guys out to approach women in bars and clubs for 3 years (every weekend), I discovered that a lot of pretty women felt insecure around my clients and felt as though they weren’t good enough for him, even though he was desperately hoping to get a chance to be her boyfriend.
Eventually, I decided to tell my clients to be straight up honest with women and say, “You’re sexy, I like you” to help cut out the unnecessary games that go on when a woman isn’t sure if a guy likes her or not.
Prior to that, a lot of these women didn’t realize that they were talking to a good guy who had good intentions and was hoping and praying that he could get her number and start a relationship with her.
Not knowing that he was sincerely interested, a woman would usually play hard to get or not contribute much to the conversation to see if he would keep trying to show his interest.
Some of those women may have gone home thinking that they weren’t good enough for him, but they were. If those women only knew how easy the majority of guys are to have sex with, who knows how many more babies may have been created since then.
TTIWIK: Do a lot of men struggle with confidence? How can this affect their dating life, relationships and marriage?
DAN: Confidence is one of the biggest issues and problems for men when it comes to approaching, dating and being in relationships with women.
It’s not easy for a modern man to feel confident about himself and his value to women if he pays attention to what he sees and hears in the media.
Generally speaking, the media will usually tell him that he needs to be tall, handsome, have a six pack, be a millionaire and live a celebrity-like lifestyle to be good enough for attractive women.
This puts a lot of men off walking up and talking to women that they find attractive, because they simply don’t feel like they’re good enough.
They lack confidence in their value to women because on TV, in music videos, in movies and even just overhearing what women say to each other in person, it will appear to men that women are more interested in superficial traits about men like looks, money, status and muscles.
In terms of a relationship or a marriage, a man’s confidence about his attractiveness to his girlfriend or wife is very important.
In a relationship, a woman will often tease a man about his appearance or attractiveness to test and see how he reacts. If a guy reacts by becoming insecure or angry, then he fails that test.
However, if the man remains confident in his sex appeal and attractiveness to his girlfriend or wife, then he passes the test and her respect and attraction for him deepens.
TTIWIK: Are men just as insecure as women about their looks?
DAN: Not all men are, but many of the guys who struggle to get themselves a girlfriend or remain confident in a relationship do.
If a man asks a woman what she wants in a guy, she will often say, “A handsome man” or “He has to be good looking.”
Yet, what a lot of guys don’t realize is that if a man makes a woman feel attracted in other ways (e.g. he is being confident, he has a masculine vibe, he is charismatic and charming, he is making her laugh and feel feminine around him, etc), she will then begin to look at his physical appearance in a more positive light.
Although a guy might not have the physical features of a typical male model, many women will be able to look at his unique features as being attractive.
Not all women are open to feeling attracted in that way, but what I’ve found is that most women have what I call an “Open Type,” which means that she is open to feeling attracted to all different types of guys, as long as the guy can make her feel enough attraction in other ways.
Other ways of making a woman feel attracted can include displaying confidence, flirting with her, making her laugh, being charismatic and charming, etc.
TTIWIK: What do you think holds a lot of men back when they are trying to find the right mate?
DAN: Simply feeling as though they’re not good enough.
Most men assume that women have extremely high standards and that a guy needs to be a male model, tall, rich and be some sort of superstar to qualify.
However, what I’ve discovered is that the majority of women are much more flexible about what they find attractive in a guy than most men realize.
Although certain types of women will only talk about the superficial things that the find attractive about a guy (e.g. his looks, height, money, body, etc), the vast majority of women aren’t so shallow and won’t reject a guy who doesn’t fit perfectly into that mold.
Next time Dan and I talk about “Cultivating Attraction”. There is more to it than you think and Dan has some good insights that may help you. Until then you can get more confidence building advice on The Modern Man.